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QUESTIONS THAT NEED ASKED
 

• After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
• Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
• Aren't all generalizations false?
• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
• Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
• Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
• Did Adam and Eve have navels?
• Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
• Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
• How can there be self-help groups?
• How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
• How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
• If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
• If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
• If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
• If a tree falls in the woods, and lands on a mime, does anyone care?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
• If God sneezes...what should you say?
• If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
• If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
• If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
• If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
• If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
• If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
• If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
• If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
• If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
• If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
• If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
• If you take a shower, where do you put it?
• If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
• If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• Isn't hot water already hot?
• Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
• Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
• Since cats always land on their feet and jelly bread always lands jelly-side down, what happens if you tie jelly bread to the back of a cat?
• There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?
• What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
• What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
• What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
• What happened to the first 6 ups?
• What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• What is another word for thesaurus?
• What is the speed of dark?
• What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• What's another word for synonym?
• When people lose weight, where does it go?
• When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
• When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
• When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• Where are Preparations A through G?
• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
• Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
• Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
• Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
• Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
• Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?
• Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like?
• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
• Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
• Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
• Why do we drive on parkways but park on driveways?
• Why do we have hot water heaters?
• Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
• Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
• Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why doesn't superglue stick to its container?
• Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
• Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
• Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
• Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?
• Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
• Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
• Why is the word abbreviate so long?
• Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
• Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
• Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
• Do fish get cramps after eating?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
• How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
• How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
• How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
• If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
• If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
• If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
• How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
• If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
• If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Is there a Dr. Salt?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?
• Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

THESE QUOTES CAME FROM: http://www.harrisonline.com/heard/question.htm