Frequently Asked Questions.
– After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
– Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
– Aren’t all generalizations false?
– Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
– Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
– Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
– Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
– Did Adam and Eve have navels?
– Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
– Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
– Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
– Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
– How can there be self-help groups?
– How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
– How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
– How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink?
– If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
– If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
– If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
– If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
– If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
– If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
– If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
– If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
– If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
– If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
– If a tree falls in the woods, and lands on a mime, does anyone care?
– If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
– If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
– If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
– If God sneezes…what should you say?
– If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
– If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
– If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
– If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
– If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
– If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
– If someone with ultiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
– If the cops arret a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
– If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you first?
– If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
– If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
– If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
– If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
– If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
– If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
– If you can read the marking, isn’t that end already up?
– If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
– If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
– If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
– If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
– If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?
– If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
– If you take a shower, where do you put it?
– If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
– If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
– If you’re traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
– Is it possible to be totally partial?
– Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
– Isn’t hot water already hot?
– Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
– Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
– Shouldn’t it be some things in moderation?
– Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
– Since cats always land on their feet and jelly bread always lands jelly-side down, what happens if you tie jelly bread to the back of a cat?
– There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
– What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
– What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
– What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?
– What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
– What happened to the first 6 ups?
– What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
– What is another word for thesaurus?
– What is the speed of dark?
– What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
– What was the best thing before sliced bread?
– What’s another word for synonym?
– When people lose weight, where does it go?
– When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
– When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
– When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
– When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
– When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting.
– Where are Preparatons A through G?
– Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
– Who tows the tow rucks when they break down?
– Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
– Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
– Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
– Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM’s?
– Why are there never any artist’s materials in a drawing room?
– Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
– Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
– Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won’t they all stop eventually?
– Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound
– Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
– Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
– Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
– Why do we drive on parkways but park on driveways?
– Why do we have hot water heaters?
– Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
– Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
– Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
– Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
– Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
– Why doesn’t superglue stick to its container?
– Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?
– Why don’t you ever hear about gruntled employees?
– Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
– Why i a women’s prison called a penal colony?
– Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?
– Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic?
– Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport
something by ship, it’s called cargo
– Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
– Why is the word abbreviate so long?
– Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don’t you have to get up to get to the tape?
– Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
– Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
– Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
– Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
– Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
– Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
– Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
– Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
– Do fish get cramps after eating?
– Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
– Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
– Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?
– How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
– How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
– How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
– How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
– How is it possible to have a civil war?
– How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?
– How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
– If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
– If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
– If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
– If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
– If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
– If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
– If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
– If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?
– If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
– If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
– If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
– How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
– If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
– Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
– If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime as a neighbor, will he complain?
– If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
– Is there a Dr. Salt?
– What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
– What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
– What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
– What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
– When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
– Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
– Why aren’t there bullet-proof pants?
– Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
– Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
– Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open it’s not a door?
– Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dish washing liquid contains real lemons?