frequently asked questions

• After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

• Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

• Aren't all generalizations false?

• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

• Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

• Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

• Did Adam and Eve have navels?

• Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

• Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?

• Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

• How can there be self-help groups?

• How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

• How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

• How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

• If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?

• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

• If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

• If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?

• If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?

• If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

• If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?

• If a tree falls in the woods, and lands on a mime, does anyone care?

• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

• If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?

• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

• If God sneezes...what should you say?

• If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

• If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?

• If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

• If someone with ultiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?

• If the cops arret a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?

• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

• If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

• If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

• If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?

• If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?

• If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?

• If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?

• If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

• If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?

• If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?

• If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

• If you take a shower, where do you put it?

• If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?

• If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

• Is it possible to be totally partial?

• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

• Isn't hot water already hot?

• Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

• Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?

• Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

• Since cats always land on their feet and jelly bread always lands jelly-side down, what happens if you tie jelly bread to the back of a cat?

• There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?

• What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

• What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

• What do sheep count when they can't sleep?

• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

• What happened to the first 6 ups?

• What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

• What is another word for thesaurus?

• What is the speed of dark?

• What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

• What was the best thing before sliced bread?

• What's another word for synonym?

• When people lose weight, where does it go?

• When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

• When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

• When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

• Where are Preparatons A through G?

• Where do forest ragers go to get away from it all?

• Who tows the tow rucks when they break down?

• Why are builders fraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

• Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?

• Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

• Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?

• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?

• Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?

• Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like?

• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

• Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?

• Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

• Why do we drive on parkways but park on driveways?

• Why do we have hot water heaters?

• Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

• Why does bottled water have an expiration date?

• Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• Why doesn't superglue stick to its container?

• Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

• Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?

• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

• Why i a women's prison called a penal colony?

• Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?

• Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic?

• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport

• something by ship, it's called cargo

• Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

• Why is the word abbreviate so long?

• Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?

• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

• Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

• Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

• Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

• Do fish get cramps after eating?

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

• How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

• How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

• How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

• How is it possible to have a civil war?

• How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?

• How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

• If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?

• If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?

• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

• If immy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

• If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

• How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

• If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

• If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

• If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime as a neighbor, will he complain?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• Is there a Dr. Salt?

• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

• What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?

• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

• Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?

• Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?

• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

• Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not a door?

• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

THESE QUOTES CAME FROM: http://www.harrisonline.com/heard/question.htm